Reunion reflection

Not sure what to expect, I was feeling both excited and a little nervous about the reunion through last week as it got closer. I could sense a lot of emotions begin to surface that seemed both familiar and strange. Would I know these people I had such a unique experience with so long ago? Who was I then? Did I really want to revisit parts of myself that I had grown out of as I grew up? There was a mix of anticipation at the possibility of feeling some of the connectedness and belonging I remembered from Timberhill, and the fear of re-experiencing the pain and isolation I often felt as an adolescent. Having kept in contact with a fair number of Timberhillians, eased me into the process, but I knew that seeing all of us together would evoke a lot of mixed emotions.

Going out to Stump beach with Bill and Thom Friday afternoon and talking about Timberhill and our lives helped me get grounded in the place of Timberhill- the earth and sea and wind and rocks and trees- the land that for me holds all the memories and energy of our time there. When we arrived at the campground and I started to meet all of you who were there, I realized that I though knew most of you on some deep body memory level that came from our common experience, I didn’t really know who you were as people. So much of my experience at 14-17 was about my needs for acceptance, and to be seen and loved even though I felt defective inside. I was not able to really show myself or see others very well. I have learned in my life since Timberhill that vulnerability is required for intimacy- you have to be strong enough to expose your weaknesses to allow others to see who you are. To see others you also have to have enough inner resiliency to allow them their vulnerabilities without feeling threatened. I did not have those capacities back then, and like most of us, I thought everyone else had it together, so I tried to fake it.

What I learned this weekend was both how vulnerable most of us we were then and yet how much the undercurrent of family and place and possibility nurtured us. At Timberhill I did not know most of your family histories or what baggage you were carrying; I was too focused on not showing mine. This weekend I began to see and hear that many of us came to Timberhill with a damaged sense of family and identity on top of normal adolescent struggles with those areas. I had many conversations about memories of different people and experiences, and a strong theme began to emerge. For many of us, Timberhill was a refuge; a place to try to find ourselves, space to create and heal injuries we did not even know we carried. As many people expressed on Saturday, Timberhill became a true family for them.

Like many families, mine went through a very difficult period; my parents divorced when I was seven, and I lived with an abusive stepfather for a couple years. The most damaging part of this for me was that it was never talked about for years afterwards. It was treated as if it didn’t exist, as if my experience of it had not really happened. In various conversations about the way Timberhill ended, I began to see that we had recapitulated my family experience and I assume the experiences of many of you. As a group we have not really ever processed the betrayal that many of us felt and still feel about the sudden loss of our new family/community. I have rationalized my deep feelings of loss over the years, but they have not healed. Mary commented last night at the dinner that a lot of healing was going on, and I agree with her, but I think it is only a start. We have the possibility to carry it further and perhaps even bring in others who may carry too much shame about what happened to face it. Dion expressed the importance of forgiveness for human mistakes and again I agree, but only after an acknowledgement of the loss we experienced.

Though I had and still have deep respect and love for and both Barry and Joan, the collapse of boundaries between students and faculty, and the subsequent collapse of the school/community devastated me more than I knew at the time. I felt betrayed by those I trusted most to lead us. It took me a long time to trust any authority figures what happened. In sharing this I do not feel bitter or want to blame, but rather to carry forward all the lost opportunity for experience I regained last weekend. I believe that both Barry and Joan would have supported that process. I have made the same attempt with my biological family and in doing so came to see my parents’ mistakes as understandable human failures rather than personal betrayals.

As an adult with much more life experience, I more fully understand what freedom evokes and how difficult it can be to maintain consciousness and integrity in the face of desire. At 15, it was just confusing to see adults behaving as they did. After conversations last weekend that brought back more memories, I understood why I left Timberhill with a belief that relationships were dangerous; that I would either hurt or be hurt. Almost all the adult figures that came to Timberhill in relationships, whether younger or older, seemed at some point to abandon their partners or be abandoned by them. The relationship dramas among the adults felt like they overshadowed the students’ issues. This felt like a replay of what I came to Timberhill to get away from. I needed to have a place where the children (that’s what we were even though we didn’t think so) were the primary focus. A place where we could explore without worrying that the world was about to fall apart. That’s what it felt like in the beginning and I believe it was Barry and Joan’s vision.

In a way it feels like the taste of that possibility made the loss harder to bear. Some of us were there for just a little while, some for all of it, but it seems like we all just went on to the next part of our lives without a chance to really reflect on the impact it had. I always sensed deep down that something unique and profound had happened to me there, but I couldn’t really articulate it. I told stories about it to all my friends. I had recurring dreams that I went back as an adult and it was still there; different people but still alive as a community. I am so appreciative of having the opportunity now to connect with all of you and try to make sense of my old experiences.

I think the strongest feeling I came away with from last weekend, was that Timberhill still lives in us. We are the only members of the tribe that existed for such a short time. My real sadness is that it did not live on beyond us to grow into its potential.

Deep thanks to Jan and Katy for the inspiration and effort, and to all of you who were willing to do this. Audrey, thank you so much for being willing to open up what must be some difficult feelings, and at the same time to carry the weight of your parents for us. I loved it when you said you were feeling like a 13 year old – I’ve been in and out of that state for 3 days now. I know this is really long and kind of stream of consciousness, but I hope it makes some sense to everyone. I would live to hear other people’s reactions to the reunion, and / or responses to this.

Love,

Eric